The power of showing up

I was terrible at Toastmasters when I started. I remember my first speech. I had rehearsed it walking home from the lab, talking to no one, feeling like a mad person on the streets. When I gave my speech in front of everyone, everything I practiced disappeared. I stuttered. I said "um" every other sentence. At some point, I lost my train of thought completely and just stayed there, staring at a room full of people who were trying very hard to look encouraging. It was the kind of encouragement you give to someone who is clearly struggling and you do not want to make it worse.

Most people who joined around the same time stopped coming after a few months. They were not worse than me. Some were better. They just found reasons not to be there. Work got busy. The commute was long. They would come back "when things settled down." I never understood that phrase. Things never settle down. You just get used to the chaos or you do not.

I kept showing up. I gave speeches when I was not ready. I gave speeches when I did not feel like it. Some nights I would walk home wondering why I was doing this to myself when I could be resting or doing research.

Then I entered a contest. I placed first in my club, then first in my area, then second in the division. People saw the results and assumed I had some natural gift. That I was just good at this. They did not see the months of standing up and stumbling through words in front of strangers who were just being polite.

There was no turning point. No moment where everything clicked. I just kept showing up until the reps added up to something.

Right now I am writing every day. The writing is not perfect. Some days I do not feel like doing it. Some days I wonder if anyone is even reading. But I am still here. And I think that is most of it.